A century ago, the Western world discovered the abundance of natural resources that lie under the feet of the desert Bedouins. They aptly named these oil deposits "black gold" and realized how much wealth the Arabian Peninsula has. However, the Arabs never realized what an amazing treasure they got.
This paints a picture of sad reality, not only for Arabs, but also for all Muslims, who possess the greatest treasure — Islam, often without realizing its true value. In many cases, it is Westerners who discover this truth in the course of their research, unwittingly spending a significant amount of money, resources, time and effort that could have been saved if they had simply believed in the Quran and the Messenger to whom it was revealed.
One such example is the "Love Lab", a university study conducted in 1999 by renowned psychotherapist John Gottman. The experiment involved filming couples in their natural living environment in order to determine the factors that accurately predict their success or failure. After a simple 15-minute interview, Gottman was able to predict with 91% accuracy whether the couple's relationship would work out or not.
Gottman found that successful couples, when imagining their future together, talked about each other in a positive way, while unsuccessful couples projected negativity onto their partner. The Prophet already reported this more than a millennium ago:
"A believer will not hate a believer. If he does not like some feature in her, then he will be satisfied with some other" ("Sahih" Muslim).
This simple but profound statement emphasizes the importance of positivity and mutual respect in any relationship, whether romantic or otherwise. We Muslims are very lucky to have access to such blessed teachings, but we often do not realize their value and do not implement them. Let's learn from the past and cherish the treasure that is our religion, because it is a source of guidance and wisdom that can lead us to a full life, both in this world and in the afterlife.
The splendor of Allah's complete and perfect wisdom is incomparable, as evidenced by His words:
"O believers! You are not allowed to inherit women against their will. Do not create obstacles for them in order to take possession of a part of what you have given them (their mahra), unless they have committed obvious debauchery. Live with them according to the established rules (Sharia and good customs). And if they are unpleasant to you, then Allah could have provided a great benefit (for you) in what is unpleasant to you." (Surah "An-Nisa, verse 19)
Indeed, friction between couples in a relationship is quite common. This is because none of us are perfect. Therefore, we cannot be so perfect for each other and be free from flaws that conflicts do not arise. However, a successful marriage is distinguished from an unsuccessful one by the position prescribed by the Koran — to see the glass half full.
Islam teaches us not to dwell on the shortcomings and vices of our partners, ignoring all their advantages and advantages.
In 2000, a group of well-known psychologists published an article in the Journal of Family Psychology in which they talked about how negative attribution can lead to disaster in a marriage:
This study examined the direction of possible causal relationships between attribution of negative partner behavior and satisfaction with marriage, and also checked whether this influence is mediated by expectations of effectiveness in relation to marital conflict. Couples who have been married for 15-20 months completed questionnaires to measure attribution and satisfaction at Time #1 and Time #3 (18 months later). At Time #2 (6 months after Time #1), they filled out performance expectations indicators. The cross-effects model for husbands and wives showed that the paths from causal attributions to later satisfaction and from satisfaction to later causal attributions were significant. Performance expectations mediated the temporal relationship between attribution and satisfaction. These results confirm the assumption that there is a mutual causal influence between attribution and satisfaction, but suggest important changes in the models of intimate relationships and marital therapy.
The concept of "husnu zann", or having a good opinion of someone, is a living concept in the Islamic tradition. Every believer is obliged to hold a good opinion of his brothers and sisters.
If this principle is true for the relationship between believers and their co-religionists, then it is even more applicable to a Muslim man and a Muslim woman married to each other. There is an incredibly strong bond between them, and a double one — both between co-religionists and as between husband and wife.
As believers, we must understand that the concept of husnu zann, or good treatment of a fellow Muslim, is not just advice. This is an essential component of our faith. And when it comes to our relationship with our spouse, husnu zann is crucial.
Paradoxically, the negative suspicions that we sometimes harbor towards our loved ones are not only superficial, but also often groundless and sinful, as the Koran reminds us:
"O believers! Avoid suspicion, because some suspicions are a sin. Don't watch each other and don't slander each other behind each other's backs. Will any of you want to eat the meat of your dead brother? You don't like it! Fear Allah! Indeed, Allah is the One who accepts repentance and has mercy on those who repent." (Surah Al-Hujurat, verse 12)
Islam is a perfect and true guide. However, despite the clear instructions of the Noble Qur'an and the blessed Sunnah, some, unfortunately, still doubt the need to constantly turn to our sacred sources. Are we always going to wait for empirical studies conducted by non-believers to confirm what has already been revealed to us by Allah and what His beloved Messenger has taught us?
Let's not fall into this trap. Instead, let's continue to look for guidance in the beautiful gems and pearls of wisdom found in our Islamic tradition. By doing so, we will be able to improve not only our relationship with our spouses, our general spiritual and mental well-being and self-realization in life, but also our relationship with our Creator— Allah.
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