Sometimes, when my children ask me for help with some things, I don't help them on purpose.
When they make a mess, I intentionally force them to clean it up on their own. When they ask specific questions, I direct them to the book so they can look at it themselves, instead of giving them the answer right away.
I consciously take a step back and allow my children to struggle, strive, fail, be disappointed, lift themselves up, try again, make mistakes, correct mistakes and look for alternative solutions.
It used to be difficult for me to be a mom, but over the years, alhamdulillah, it has become easier.
As I got older and gained more experience in parenting, I realized some important realities:
- I am a mother, not a martyr.
- My children are adults in training, not eternal babies.
Sometimes the most useful thing you can do is step aside and not overly help. Get out of the way.
This applies not only to our relationships with children, but also to other relationships in our lives.
You can't solve other people's problems all the time. You can't save people from themselves if they're not willing to help themselves. You can't over-perform your duties to compensate for people's shortcomings.
This can be a difficult lesson for some people. For those of us who are empathetic by nature, who feel obligated to help, who strive to do everything for others, this concept often turns out to be almost incomprehensible. The feelings of guilt and anxiety are becoming too strong.
In society, we are taught to be kind, to empathize, to show compassion. We are pressured to help others, driven by guilt, pity, or a sense of duty.
And in some cases, these instructions are correct. Values such as kindness, empathy and compassion are wonderful values. As Muslims, we know this.
But...
- At what point does empathy turn into indulgence?
- At what point does compassion turn into coddling?
- At what point does constant requests for mercy become manipulation?
- At what point does our help simply teach others to become helpless, constantly dependent on us and not responsible for their actions?
Sometimes, when someone we care about makes the wrong decisions, we feel obligated to shield them from the results of their bad decisions, instead of allowing them to face the natural consequences of their actions.
Empathy for them makes us constantly help them out, correct or cover up their mistakes, come to the rescue and save the day. We absorb the impact so that they don't feel anything.
The pattern is fixed: we are eternal saviors/helpers, and they are eternal victims/children.
If you do this for years or decades, the results will be disastrous.
Not only for us, eternal helpers who will feel emotionally burned out, but also for them, eternal victims who will never learn to change.
Everything that is given in uncontrolled excess is harmful.
If parents are overly sympathetic to their children, they can take care of, pamper and babysit them until they grow up to be competent, irresponsible, incompetent overgrown babies without life skills that will become a burden to society.
If a husband feels excessive compassion for a wife who is acting unfairly, he may constantly ignore her egregious behavior, agree with her tyranny, or constantly justify her bad deeds with complacent platitudes about "love," "wisdom," or "mercy," even when the rights of the innocent are usurped.
If a friend is overly sympathetic to another, he may never comment on bad behavior, not give sincere advice, which is very necessary, not show a mirror to his wild, wayward friend who does not know how to be responsible for his actions.
If a popular "Islamic speaker" focuses exclusively on the ideas of mercy and love in Islam to the detriment of concepts such as Islamic justice, Islamic rules and principles, he ends up greatly distorting people's understanding of religion in the name of "tolerance" or "prophetic adab." Such people misrepresent Islam as a kind of benevolent Christian "God loves you", "Do not judge" and "Righteousness is only in your heart", devoid of any essence. This is inappropriate, overly exaggerated, ill—conceived "compassion" - that's why we call such speakers "compassionate imams."
Of course, compassion, empathy and mercy are wonderful and important values, but they cannot be applied indiscriminately in any blind situation. This applies to society, the family, and the individual.
- Mercy must be restrained by justice.
- Love must be restrained by discipline.
- Empathy must be restrained by reason.
- Feelings must be restrained by facts.
- Emotions should be restrained by logic.
- Emotional reactions should be restrained by reality and rationality.
Otherwise, when we show excessive empathy, thinking that we are helping others, in fact we are only harming them and ourselves.
Chaos ensues.
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